Chasing Demons and Pulling Their Tails.

Did I disappoint you?
Have I let you down?
I let you in,
You looked around.

Was it not what you expected?
Did I not give enough?
What the hell happened?
Did I give you too much?

I trusted you,
You discarded that trust.
I am too delicate
And you are too rough.

Again I am the fool,
Again I am burned.
Left alone in my head,
Battered and hurt.

I shrink into my darkness.
I can't be harmed there.
It is my safe place,
I won't hurt if I don't care.

Same old hungers,
Impossible dreams.
I want to be known,
I need to be seen.

Oh Ovid!

I love him and I cannot seem to find him. -Ovid

This little tidbit inspired me to write. Is there "One" special love out there for each of us? Is there "One" that we are destined to be with?
I have sought the "One" for many years. I know what he would be like, the qualities of his heart, his soul, his mind, his depth, his kiss, his touch, and the energy between us. I have found a few possibilities, only to discover for one reason or another that they were unattainable. Either I have looked when I had no business looking or it just wasn't meant to be. I will never forget them, in fact I keep in touch with them, never straying too far. They enrich my soul and they torture me at the same time.

In my search, I found love, but it wasn't what I considered the "One". When I found him, my particulars didn't seem important anymore. I wasn't concerned with the fact that we didn't connect on the many levels that I had felt were so necessary. It just didn't seem important at the time. I felt rushed. I heard my heart's warning and ignored it.
Today, we still have very little in common, we share no spiritual connection, no depth. It's as if we are on different planes, separate levels of sorts, worlds apart. Yet we do love one another and have proven we can be happy together. I am satisfied to a certain extent, but I do not feel fulfilled, I still feel incomplete. I feel as though when I share myself, things that are truly me, thoughts, feelings, ideas, actions, these things fall on deaf ears. There is a lack of understanding. I feel as though my love just doesn't get me and I wonder if he feels the same.

I look back now and see if only I had been more patient, more choosy, more careful, I never would have chosen this match for myself. I hate that I think this way, I feel low, it's undeniably unfair. But like I said before, we do have love and we have known happiness. So what is my problem? The grass is always greener on the other side? We want what we can't have? Is it selfishness? Insecurity? A God sized hole? Why do I feel incomplete and why do I feel like no one knows me? Why do I still want more? Or is love what you make of it?

On the other hand, I am afraid that these ideas are bullshit, that there isn't that "One" special love destined for us at all. What if, any of the times I felt that special connection, it was just something I had manifested? I worry that I am simply my own worst enemy, making life harder for myself. I fear that I currently have the best love in the world and I am choosing to ignore it. What if it's just my perception that is marred? What if I am a fool, shallow in my search for depth? The hopeless romantic, chasing something that doesn't exist.

Consider this: I read once that when we give up searching for the love outside of ourselves and when we learn to love ourselves and give ourselves that unconditional love and appreciation that we seek, that True Love will finally reveal itself and roll in ecstasy at our feet. And only then will we be prepared to share ourselves with another.

Love steals into our hearts, as it where, by habit; by habit also we can school ourselves to forget it. If you can pretend you're cured, cured you will be indeed. - Ovid

What do you think?

Ode to Vampire

In another time, I might have been yours.

A breath, a bite, a heartbeat,

I would have given you my last.

Somewhere else, another place, in a different world,

We may have loved.

You could have had all of me.

You would have drank me, tasted me, possessed me.

Here and now, I cannot touch you or feel you,

Yet you still drain me.

How do you consume me, my thoughts, my dreams,

My soul?

Today I am haunted by your shadows, your suggestions,

The ghosts of possibilities.

Like the demon dogs you would send to corner me,

Regrets of yesterdays nip at my heels.

I am tormented,

Taunted by your unattainable kiss.

I reach for you, I seek you, I summon you,

I cannot have you.

I am alone, with only my reflection.

In another life,

You and I would have been eternal.

Untitled

Chasing after lost room keys
And discontinued cologne.
Whimsical sentiments
And familiar complications.
Tequila shots
And thin ice.
Country music
And loaded glances.
Fulfilling fantasies
And good intentions.
Sleeping on the wrong side of the bed,
And dreams of Salsa dancing.
I didn't want to wake up.

Yes is a Character Flaw

I am a Yes Woman, a people pleaser. I can quickly become a doormat. I give too much. I must surround myself with honest and loyal friends, ones who will not take advantage of me. I live in fear of rejection and inadequacy. Won't you love me? Validate me? Accept me? Make me feel special? Can't I feel valuable? I just want to belong. I will do whatever you ask, jump at the chance to please you. I cower in confrontation, lose my nerve, lose my tongue. I settle for less, I am weak. Where is my backbone? My confidence? How did I become so afraid and insecure? I want to stand tall, feet firmly planted. I want to say no and not feel anxiety about it. And I want you to love me for saying no. Respect my boundaries, appreciate my resolve. I want my own opinion. I need to get off of these coat tails. How could this happen? I always considered myself brave and independent. Why does approval mean so much to me? When did I become such a peon? I must pick myself up, dust myself off. Find the source of the problem, I must make changes, get my spine back! I must say NO!
But what if I'm not likable? Embraceable? What if you no longer like me? What if I am alone? What then?

Manifestation

Rolling off the edge into the abyss of Fantasy.
Manifestation.
Free fall.
Making love in the murky depths of delusion,
Writhing in ecstasy.
Reality is marred.
Darkness swallows me.
Scrambling for a handhold,
Pulling myself up,
The brightness of truth blinds me.
Struggling with acceptance,
Succumb in faith.
Forgiveness swaddles me.
Rebirth.

Begone

Please leave me be.
I have had enough of you.
I need no more of this torment.
Begone from my Past,
my Present and my Future.
You are not wanted now,
nor have you ever been.
You have plagued me long enough.
I need to believe now.
I need to love me now.
I need to stand strong.
Begone from my mind,
my heart and my soul.
I can be fine now.
Hold my head high now.
I will breathe deep.
I will shake you from my bones.
Shed you like a skin.
I am walking away now.
Not looking back now.
I will be myself.
Begone.
Leave me be.

I am Me.

I am Woman.
I am strong. I am brave. I am loving and nurturing. I am emotional. I am needy. I am afraid. I am vulnerable. I am a sweet kiss, a lingering touch. I am the romantic song, the slow tears. I am the heart wrenching sobs. Build me up and break me down, I am art. I am giving. I am generous. I am life. I am nature. I am dance, the spin and the leap. I am expression. I am frustration and anger. I am unpredictable. I am laughter. I am joy. I am bliss.
I am Me.

Ode to Fall

As the Earth yawns, Morning comes.
Like a tantrum; the late summer rains arrive without warning.
Autumn is golden, saturated in splendour.
Jack-O-lanterns belch passions into crisp evening air.
Trees mourn their leaves, naked in remembrance of Summer.

Still Life With Woodpecker. I love this.

Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as it's accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make' and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.

We waste time looking for the perfect lover instead of creating the perfect love. Wouldn't that be the way to make love stay?

Picket Fences

Struggling. Let me go. Set me free. Disgust in dysfunction. Discarded. Junkyard. Broken pieces. Pieces of me. Pieces of you. He's an addict. He's neurotic. He's sick. He's an asshole. He's insecure. He's conceited. He won't see. He's weak. He left me for her. He wandered off with a bottle. He won't go away. He left me on the kitchen counter like yesterday's news. He took his life. I can't breathe. Unavailable. Untouchable. Tired of being ignored. I'm suffocating. I am fragile. I can't feel anymore. Trapped in this cesspool. Smearing picket fences with shit.

Driven Insane

I am restless
Hungry
I need it
Pacing
I can't have it
Skin crawling
Vivid dreams
I am writhing
Frustration
I am angry
Nails scratching
Hair pulling
Bruises
Searching
I am stumbling
Perspiration
Give in to me
Succumb
Panting
Moaning
Screaming
Out of breath
I am running
I am insane
Struggling
Wrestling
Stop me
Restrain me
Hold me
Tighter now
Keep me safe
Tuck me away
Cherish me
Soothe me
Save me

Ignorance/ Karma

You are ignorant.
You think you know,
But you know not.
Selfish,
A slave to insecurity,
Ruled by fear,
Shallow.
I recognise you,
You are weak.
I feel pity for you.
I pray the lessons
You must learn
Do not fall on deaf ears
Or meet blind eyes.
I pray for your growth.
I hope that some day
You will comprehend.
Live each day
Like your last.
Take nothing, no one
For granted,
No matter how small.
Life is short,
Precious.
Treat others how you
Would like to be treated.
What comes around
Goes around,
And justice is not kind.
I fear for you,
I feel pity for you.
You are ignorant.

Hopeless Romantic

Is it possible to have too much love to give? To be too full of love? I am overflowing with no outlet. All I have wanted is to love and be loved. Maybe it is a fairy tale, something that people dream about... to love and be loved in the capacity I am capable of. Maybe it is an impossible dream, to give myself to one so completely, entirely. But I end up intimidating, scaring and overwhelming . Is there anyone capable of handling my love? My passion? I want to give, in mind, body and spirit. I will spoil my Love with compliments, gifts, sweet nothings, surprises. I love to do these things, it makes me giddy with excitement. Love notes in the shower, cards in the car, special birthdays, impromptu travels, let's make love in the rain! Let me scheme and plan for you, cook for you, let me do for you. I want to make you happy. It comes so naturally to me, so easily to me.
I must be too much, I must overwhelm. The hopeless romantic, ready to give love so easily. Where does love lie? Why can't it be mine? How is it I have so much to give and yet it is never easily received or returned? I have no where to put this love, it's a force I struggle with every day, my heart aches with it, breaks with it. Do I love myself? Romance myself? Ah yes, I do do that. I treat myself, spoil myself, adore myself, I do love myself. I think I am worthy of such love. But one can do that for just so long before the longing for touch and companionship becomes too great to ignore. I want to be held, caressed, kissed. I want to share my giddiness, my silliness, my romance and passion. I feel as though I am imprisoned in my love. My love and passion are my battlements, an intimidating wall keeping me inside. Will there ever be someone strong enough, brave enough to set me free? Yet when set free I am a hurricane of passion and love, my force ends up destroying, I am too much. Nothing can contain me. Nothing can hold me. No one is strong enough.

Luna

Orb of Night,
It exudes power.
It moves me.
Absorbing beams,
I am drunk from the energy.
Soaking in soft light,
I am serene and full of spirit.
It heals me.

Peggy Sue Bridge

That kiss,
THE kiss.
We were friends.
Just friends.
I teased you.
I tempted you.
On the bridge.
I pretended to lose my balance.
You caught me.
You were behind me.
Holding me.
With a tilt of my head,
I bared my neck,
I felt your kiss.
Unexpected.
It touched every part of me,
Radiated through me.
I fell that day,
For your kiss,
For you.

My Beloved

For you my heart overflows,
My love is unending.
If you could see for a moment,
How much you mean to me,
It would change you forever.
Sometimes my love for you scares me,
I am afraid something
will happen to you.
I worry that something
Will take you away from me.
Everything we do together means more
Because I am doing it with you.
You mean everything to me.
For you my heart overflows.

Dark Child

I'm a teenager and I hate my life. I am stuck in this fucked up house with the anger and the suffocation. I have ripped out a place for myself in this little town of oppression, doing all that I can to scream my frustration without saying a word. Why are people so stupid, so selfish? Can't they see me? They don't understand.
I try to flee from the madness in my house and end up neck deep in something that could scar me even more. My schoolmates just don't get it, with their perfect little households, ideal parents, good grades and extra curricular wonders. I hate the smiles, the fakeness of it all, am I the only kid in this town that is real?
If you look, you can find me; I have locked myself in my room with my headphones on so I can't hear the screaming. I took the screen out from my window and I sit on the sill, half in and half out of my window, blowing cigarette smoke at the stars, wishing I could just jump down and run away.
God I resent the wholesome boys and girls at school, I'm sure they go home and do their homework like good little soldiers, Mommy and Daddy standing behind them with a proud hand on their shoulder. All I get is grief; I get a foil packet of chicken leftovers flung at me down the hall by the wicked witch in the kitchen who's had too much poison tonight. And they wonder why I never want to be home, and they wonder why I skip classes to hang with the naughty boys, validating my reputation as loser and trouble maker. At least I am somebody, I am something, and I have an identity after all.
My friends are like me, ruined homes, and troubled souls, destined to make our mark in the world with a fist or a can of spray paint.

SEA

I have seen you.
I have seen the beauty of you.
I married your beauty.
I know it lies in there, the purest, kindest, happiest beauty.
Darling you got lost.
Remember Seattle?
Our day and then our dinner?
We had such a great time.
But there were times when you were distant.
After dinner while waiting for the shuttle I longed for you to warm me, to hold me.
Where were you?
I wanted your arms around me.
I have yearned for your presence in body and mind for too long.
I see your love, I feel your love, I know your love is there.
I beg of you, conquer what you must, but come back to me.
Return to me renewed, tap into that love for us, for it comes back two fold.
Hurry my love, I have missed you.

My Place of Peace

I walk the path of dirt
Along the canyon's edge.
My steps are soft,
Each with its own puff of dust.
The tang of sage and juniper
Hangs in the air.
I take my perch
And gaze out over the Earth.
Looking to the sky
I see the clouds have broken,
They make a patchwork of shadow
Along the canyon's floor.
The beauty of the land
Is hard earned,
Cracks and Crevices
Tell tales of lifetimes past.
A lone hawk rides the wind's torrent,
Spreading it's wings in the heat of the sun.
The river below moves me, runs through me.
The desert is in me,
As I am in it.

Inferiority

I feel as if I'm not good enough,
Must I compare myself to your ideal?
The criticism is just too much,
How do you expect me to feel?

Can I do anything right?
Will there always be something you see?
Can there ever be a time
That you will accept me for me?

Try as I might
With each turn I take,
Will I ever be right
In the decisions I make?

In your shadow I live,
From your mistakes do I learn,
If you could just see,
It's your acceptance I yearn.