The Fix

Itching.
Scratching,
Picking.
Tearing off little shreds
Of my dignity.

Curled up in a ball,
Clutching my heart.
In limbo.
Aching.
Afraid.

Fearing the what ifs,
Hanging out on every corner.
Those intimidating,
Brass knuckled what ifs.
Waiting to beat me down again.

Spinning,
Turning,
Round and round.
Pacing,
Back and forth,
Wearing holes in my mind.

Desperately seeking answers,
Like an addict to the slums,
I get nothing but misery,
But keep coming back for more.

Weak,
Scared,
Undecided.

Can't you see me?
I'm on my knees again.
Fucked up in my head again.

Hurting you,
Hurting me.

My questions,
Still unanswered.
No fix,
No relief.

The Dark Side.... Come to The Dark Side!

So, I've been trying to write more upbeat and positive entries, hence the last entry Springtime.... which in my opinion was just Blah. I think it sucked. Not my best by any stretch. So I must apologize, it was a weak and feeble attempt that just felt forced and unnatural. Here's my explanation:

The other day, someone online asked me if I was a "Happy Person". Now, being myself, I immediately get insecure and think, I must seem unhappy! Why would they think I am unhappy? Am I unhappy? What have I done, how did I give that impression? And then I think, ahh..... my Blog! That's it! My writings, my sometimes verbal vomitings, my emotional spewage! My poor, miserable, angst ridden, dark and tortured soul that is my muse. That must be it! Well, now that makes a bit more sense. Whew!

You see, I find my best writing and inspiration comes from a place, deep, dark and ugly. It's deliciously depressing and miserable. It's the place I find myself on occasion for one reason or another, either because of something I have brought upon myself or just because it's my current mood.

Am I moody? I can be, I don't think I am overly moody, I really consider myself fairly levelheaded. I can be a bit of a drama queen at times, but I am a happy person. I love to laugh, I love my friends, I love to travel, I enjoy the hell out of life. I worship a sunny day, birds chirping, grass growing, the wind blowing, the moon glowing! I love all of these things. I find something to fall in love with in almost every person I meet. There are very few people I don't like. I really see good in most people, places, situations etc.

Now, am I truly happy? Hmm.... I think the better question is, am I satisfied? Am I content? Do I have serenity? And to those questions the answer would be no. Most definitely not. But wait! Sometimes, I am perfectly happy with my lack of satisfaction. Some days I like it in my pile of shit where it's warm, safe and familiar. I take mental health days and isolate every so often, marinating in my misery until I can't stand myself or until I am inspired to write about it. Writing helps organize my thoughts and insanities, it's kind of like reorganizing a room.

So for anyone who reads this blog, I apologize if the writing is monotonous, self absorbed, narcissistic or depressing. Those are my uglies and they happen to be my inspiration. I am a happy person, but I have my dark side as well. I thank you so much for reading!

Springtime

Ah, Spring!
The rebirth of everything.

Birds chirp and dance,
Flowers bud and bloom.

Citrus is on the wind,
It permeates the room.

Invite the breezes,
Renew stale spaces.

Bask in the sun,
Absorb nature's graces.

CHASE OR BE CHASED

Chasing happiness
Running blind
Oblivious to my footprints
The marks left behind

Losing my way
Laughter of trees
Tripping
Slipping

Scraping my knees

A hole in the ground
Falling
Plummeting down
A hard bottom
I look around

Darkness
Dampness
I'm down here!
Can anyone hear me?
Is someone there?

My breathing
My heartbeat
The rush in my ears

The ghosts
My demons
They draw ever near

They taunt me
They haunt me
I'm alone with my fear

Then and Now.

Reunited.
The memories come rushing back.
Sitting, reminiscing in the rain.
Wet footprints and broken flowerpots,
Music to compliment the half moon.
Laughter.

I remember the time.
He was a gift to us all,
Your recollections keep him alive.
He loved you as you did him.

So many changes,
After all these years.
You're grown up now.
My young friend,
My sidekick.
Not forgotten.