Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Losing Mom - April 1, 2014

I can still feel her skin on my fingertips. I can feel the texture of her hair as I swept it across her forehead. I can smell her, her natural scent not too different from my own. I used my coconut Chapstick on her lips as they were chapped from the tape they used to attach the tubes. I remember her eyes being so swollen and gelatinous, just barely opened. Could she see me? Could she hear me? I held her hand, warmed it in my own, I massaged her puffy fingers, trying to make the swelling subside. Her nails were just painted last week, gold crackle on top of black. She always wanted her nails to look nice. Her skin had few wrinkles, it was smoother than it had ever been. She had bought and tried so many beauty products, desperate to turn back time. Seems like a tragedy now, so much time and money spent on trivial creams. I watched her, never taking my eyes off of her as she struggled for air. Precious air, oh how we take that for granted. I studied her, memorizing her, tattooing her into my mind. I whispered I love you, I love you! I love you so much. And I softly sang to her... slowly... 'Don't worry about a thing, cuz every little thing is gonna be alright.' I begged her to relax and let go, I promised her I would be fine, Dad will be fine, it's ok Momma, don't be afraid. She would groan and strain, struggling. I hated it, please don't fight, please don't suffer. Why can't they help her? How can they just let her go like this? More morphine! More Ativan! I'm here Mom, I'm not going anywhere. Singing to her 'You are my Sunshine' while wrapped in the arms of the man I love. Look Mom, see how he loves me! You can go now, be at peace. Shed one more tear and rest easy. (I am not ok. Not by a long shot. I am angry. I am sad. I am relieved. I feel guilt. I have remorse. I am terrified. I want to keep my Mother.)

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Exercise those Demons!

Little devils of regret
Doing aerobics in my head
Jumping jacks
And running tracks
Round and round

Regrettable little demons
One and two
Three and four
Up and down
Touch the floor

Fit little bastards
Hateful, spiteful
Burning reminders
Refreshing the past

Never forgive
Never let go
Back and forth
To and fro
Not yet free

The instructor looks a bit like me

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

FIRE STARTER by JJ

Relationships are like fires
They start with friction, or a spark, or another flame
Some light quick, while others smolder,
waiting for the right condition to ignite

Once lit, they are all spectacularly brilliant.
A dancing flame seeking fuel to grow.

Some burn bright, like a newspaper page, then die.
Some slowly build energy and burn with lasting flame.
And some smolder for years, hot coals refusing to turn to ash.

My heart seeks fire.

Friday, August 12, 2011

WHIPLASH

Not yet where I wanna be... 
Not yet serene.
Neither here nor there.
Can't keep looking back,
Ripping the scab off over and over again.
Casting glances over my shoulder
Just gives me whiplash. 
My path is brightly lit,
The future holds a bounty of beauty.
Set me straight,
Point me in the right direction.
Let the healing begin and not end. 
The pain has a metallic taste, 
I want to spit it out.
Done with the salty droplets of sad,
The heart gets tired of hurt. 
I need to let go,
Hold my head up high.
I know everything will be fine
And someday the heavy will be light.

Monday, July 11, 2011

LETTERS IN THE SAND

Desolation.
Dusty winds blow.
Devils and demons
Chase and follow.

I run away,
Full of dread,
Fear stops my heart.
Sit straight up in bed.

I turn to you.
I am not alone.
Nestle and nuzzle.
I know I am home.

I soothe myself,
Freeing my mind,
With the magic of us.
Two souls intertwined.

Desperate with thirst,
Drinking you in.
Drunk from the sweetness,
Our dreams begin.

You and I,
Letters in the sand.
Sailing away.
Leaving the land.

Cleanse the soul
Water and sunshine.
Washing away
The ghosts and grime.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Second Chance

I wrap you around me
Like the down blanket in Dorset when I was 12.
When there was innocence,
Before realization. 
You take me back,
Rewind me to before I was broken.
When the world was unicorns and purple
And I was oblivious to the sickness.
I am the hopelessly clueless girl again,
Bright and naive,
Creative and lost in my imagination.
It was a time of peace and endless days,
An eclipse in my oblivion.
You take me there.
Wrapped up in the feathery warmth of your love,
I can start again unhindered.
You are not the cure for my past.
I keep that with me,
Lest I forget where I've been.
You are a light for my path,
Brightening my future.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Namaste

Guilt is a tumor
Attaching itself
Feasting on
Negativity

Burden is a beast
Heavy to carry
It smothers me
Set it free

Fears become
Transparent
Dissipating
Let them fall away

Grow in strength
Learn and build
Reinforce
With each new day

Turn the focus
From sickness
To beauty
Solace and peace

Discover balance
Steady my breath
Reach for
Ethereal grace

Gingerly moving
Forward
Step slowly
Away from the past

Journey together
Two souls
One goal
Never looking back.