Chasing Demons and Pulling Their Tails.

Did I disappoint you?
Have I let you down?
I let you in,
You looked around.

Was it not what you expected?
Did I not give enough?
What the hell happened?
Did I give you too much?

I trusted you,
You discarded that trust.
I am too delicate
And you are too rough.

Again I am the fool,
Again I am burned.
Left alone in my head,
Battered and hurt.

I shrink into my darkness.
I can't be harmed there.
It is my safe place,
I won't hurt if I don't care.

Same old hungers,
Impossible dreams.
I want to be known,
I need to be seen.

Oh Ovid!

I love him and I cannot seem to find him. -Ovid

This little tidbit inspired me to write. Is there "One" special love out there for each of us? Is there "One" that we are destined to be with?
I have sought the "One" for many years. I know what he would be like, the qualities of his heart, his soul, his mind, his depth, his kiss, his touch, and the energy between us. I have found a few possibilities, only to discover for one reason or another that they were unattainable. Either I have looked when I had no business looking or it just wasn't meant to be. I will never forget them, in fact I keep in touch with them, never straying too far. They enrich my soul and they torture me at the same time.

In my search, I found love, but it wasn't what I considered the "One". When I found him, my particulars didn't seem important anymore. I wasn't concerned with the fact that we didn't connect on the many levels that I had felt were so necessary. It just didn't seem important at the time. I felt rushed. I heard my heart's warning and ignored it.
Today, we still have very little in common, we share no spiritual connection, no depth. It's as if we are on different planes, separate levels of sorts, worlds apart. Yet we do love one another and have proven we can be happy together. I am satisfied to a certain extent, but I do not feel fulfilled, I still feel incomplete. I feel as though when I share myself, things that are truly me, thoughts, feelings, ideas, actions, these things fall on deaf ears. There is a lack of understanding. I feel as though my love just doesn't get me and I wonder if he feels the same.

I look back now and see if only I had been more patient, more choosy, more careful, I never would have chosen this match for myself. I hate that I think this way, I feel low, it's undeniably unfair. But like I said before, we do have love and we have known happiness. So what is my problem? The grass is always greener on the other side? We want what we can't have? Is it selfishness? Insecurity? A God sized hole? Why do I feel incomplete and why do I feel like no one knows me? Why do I still want more? Or is love what you make of it?

On the other hand, I am afraid that these ideas are bullshit, that there isn't that "One" special love destined for us at all. What if, any of the times I felt that special connection, it was just something I had manifested? I worry that I am simply my own worst enemy, making life harder for myself. I fear that I currently have the best love in the world and I am choosing to ignore it. What if it's just my perception that is marred? What if I am a fool, shallow in my search for depth? The hopeless romantic, chasing something that doesn't exist.

Consider this: I read once that when we give up searching for the love outside of ourselves and when we learn to love ourselves and give ourselves that unconditional love and appreciation that we seek, that True Love will finally reveal itself and roll in ecstasy at our feet. And only then will we be prepared to share ourselves with another.

Love steals into our hearts, as it where, by habit; by habit also we can school ourselves to forget it. If you can pretend you're cured, cured you will be indeed. - Ovid

What do you think?

Ode to Vampire

In another time, I might have been yours.

A breath, a bite, a heartbeat,

I would have given you my last.

Somewhere else, another place, in a different world,

We may have loved.

You could have had all of me.

You would have drank me, tasted me, possessed me.

Here and now, I cannot touch you or feel you,

Yet you still drain me.

How do you consume me, my thoughts, my dreams,

My soul?

Today I am haunted by your shadows, your suggestions,

The ghosts of possibilities.

Like the demon dogs you would send to corner me,

Regrets of yesterdays nip at my heels.

I am tormented,

Taunted by your unattainable kiss.

I reach for you, I seek you, I summon you,

I cannot have you.

I am alone, with only my reflection.

In another life,

You and I would have been eternal.

Untitled

Chasing after lost room keys
And discontinued cologne.
Whimsical sentiments
And familiar complications.
Tequila shots
And thin ice.
Country music
And loaded glances.
Fulfilling fantasies
And good intentions.
Sleeping on the wrong side of the bed,
And dreams of Salsa dancing.
I didn't want to wake up.

Yes is a Character Flaw

I am a Yes Woman, a people pleaser. I can quickly become a doormat. I give too much. I must surround myself with honest and loyal friends, ones who will not take advantage of me. I live in fear of rejection and inadequacy. Won't you love me? Validate me? Accept me? Make me feel special? Can't I feel valuable? I just want to belong. I will do whatever you ask, jump at the chance to please you. I cower in confrontation, lose my nerve, lose my tongue. I settle for less, I am weak. Where is my backbone? My confidence? How did I become so afraid and insecure? I want to stand tall, feet firmly planted. I want to say no and not feel anxiety about it. And I want you to love me for saying no. Respect my boundaries, appreciate my resolve. I want my own opinion. I need to get off of these coat tails. How could this happen? I always considered myself brave and independent. Why does approval mean so much to me? When did I become such a peon? I must pick myself up, dust myself off. Find the source of the problem, I must make changes, get my spine back! I must say NO!
But what if I'm not likable? Embraceable? What if you no longer like me? What if I am alone? What then?

Manifestation

Rolling off the edge into the abyss of Fantasy.
Manifestation.
Free fall.
Making love in the murky depths of delusion,
Writhing in ecstasy.
Reality is marred.
Darkness swallows me.
Scrambling for a handhold,
Pulling myself up,
The brightness of truth blinds me.
Struggling with acceptance,
Succumb in faith.
Forgiveness swaddles me.
Rebirth.

Begone

Please leave me be.
I have had enough of you.
I need no more of this torment.
Begone from my Past,
my Present and my Future.
You are not wanted now,
nor have you ever been.
You have plagued me long enough.
I need to believe now.
I need to love me now.
I need to stand strong.
Begone from my mind,
my heart and my soul.
I can be fine now.
Hold my head high now.
I will breathe deep.
I will shake you from my bones.
Shed you like a skin.
I am walking away now.
Not looking back now.
I will be myself.
Begone.
Leave me be.