Conquering Cancer With Dad - Round 1 - Ding!

Today Dad wore the new Hawaiian print Elks shirt to his first treatment appointment, it looked great and everyone loved it! Why not huh?
We arrived at the Chemo Unit (the ATU) at LAMC at 8:00 am. They put Dad in a reclining chair in a corner which was nice and cozy. They took blood immediately and his results looked good. His RN was Valencia and she dove right in telling us about the chemo cocktail. It's the most common combination called the R-CHOP and it's been proven to be well tolerated with the least amount of major side effects. That's great news, because the list of side effects that she was required to go over with us really made it sound horrific.
So far Dad feels like Superman due to the crazy high dose of Prednisone he's taking and will continue to take for 4 more days. God I hate Prednisone, the stuff makes me climb the walls and I can't sleep. We can expect the same to happen to Dad.
His next round is scheduled for the 18th, by then we can expect hair loss and a weakened immune system. I told him he'll need to emulate Howard Hughes until all of this is over. I now have a little more perspective of the people on the plane that I see wearing face masks from time to time, you never know what they might be going through.
Round 1 in the bag and so far so good.

Conquering Cancer with Dad - Off To Battle

On our way to church today, Dad and I were talking about how his first Chemo session tomorrow feels a little like going to battle. One has to be courageous and determined to win. If we get knocked down, then we get right back up again and come at the enemy from another direction. Attitude is everything! And I say a sense of humor is important too! Maybe if he starts losing his hair, we can find one of those silly visors with the fur on top. Anything to keep things lighthearted. 

I think one of the most difficult things that Dad wrestles with right now is that his health is not in his control. He has no control over the diagnosis, the Doctor's decisions or how he will feel after the treatment. Also, the periods of waiting for results or in between treatments are very frustrating. My Dad and I are similar in this personality trait, we have never had much patience. We want results and we want them now!

Conquering Cancer With Dad

On July 24th, 2017 (5 days before his 81st Birthday), my Dad had a mass removed from his chest. Picture something the size and shape of half of a golf ball, rounded side into his chest. It wasn't causing him much discomfort, but it itched from time to time and it wasn't very pretty.
His Dr wanted it removed and tested. The test came back positive for B Cell Large Diffused Lymphoma, Non Hodgkins Lymphoma from what I researched. He underwent a few more tests throughout the week and his blood test results came back looking good. The PET Scan results showed the Lymphoma in 2 places, which now makes it Stage 2 Limited Lymphoma. There was still a little bit on his chest that was missed (Damnit!) and some in another lymph node in his arm pit.

Before my Dad's test results he felt fine. He had good energy, a great appetite and no trouble sleeping. Since then, the impact and stress of the diagnosis has played games with his mind. He's anticipating signs and symptoms of Lymphoma: night sweats, chills, dizziness, loss of appetite and weight loss.  How cruel this thing is! I'm admittedly a Daddy's Girl, my Dad has always been my Champion. And now I am his Cheerleader and his voice of reason. I say, "We got this! If we can't succeed the first time, we regroup and figure out another way." "You aren't alone, we're in this together." "Stay Strong Dad!" and "Talk to God."

His treatment will be 3 rounds of aggressive chemotherapy every 2.5 to 3 weeks followed by 3 weeks of radiation. His first chemo appointment is on Monday the 28th in Los Alamos. I have packed the car and will drive out there tomorrow morning, Bonnie in tow. I don't know how long I will be there, but I will stay as long as he needs me. With giving trips away and FMLA, I hope to get all of the time off from work that I need. Jeff will work as much as he can and my wonderful in-laws will help take care of the cats and the house. Hopefully Jeff will be able to fly out for a few days visit every so often. I'm already missing him, it's going to be even more challenging without the comfort of his embrace every time I feel scared. I don't think anyone can prepare to see a loved one get sick and suffer. My heart hurts with the thought of it. It's so horrible that the treatment makes us sicker than the Cancer does. I want to be strong enough for us both, I will need to carry us through this and stay positive.

Losing Mom - April 1, 2014

I can still feel her skin on my fingertips. I can feel the texture of her hair as I swept it across her forehead. I can smell her, her natural scent not too different from my own. I used my coconut Chapstick on her lips as they were chapped from the tape they used to attach the tubes. I remember her eyes being so swollen and gelatinous, just barely opened. Could she see me? Could she hear me? I held her hand, warmed it in my own, I massaged her puffy fingers, trying to make the swelling subside. Her nails were just painted last week, gold crackle on top of black. She always wanted her nails to look nice. Her skin had few wrinkles, it was smoother than it had ever been. She had bought and tried so many beauty products, desperate to turn back time. Seems like a tragedy now, so much time and money spent on trivial creams. I watched her, never taking my eyes off of her as she struggled for air. Precious air, oh how we take that for granted. I studied her, memorizing her, tattooing her into my mind. I whispered I love you, I love you! I love you so much. And I softly sang to her... slowly... 'Don't worry about a thing, cuz every little thing is gonna be alright.' I begged her to relax and let go, I promised her I would be fine, Dad will be fine, it's ok Momma, don't be afraid. She would groan and strain, struggling. I hated it, please don't fight, please don't suffer. Why can't they help her? How can they just let her go like this? More morphine! More Ativan! I'm here Mom, I'm not going anywhere. Singing to her 'You are my Sunshine' while wrapped in the arms of the man I love. Look Mom, see how he loves me! You can go now, be at peace. Shed one more tear and rest easy. (I am not ok. Not by a long shot. I am angry. I am sad. I am relieved. I feel guilt. I have remorse. I am terrified. I want to keep my Mother.)

FIRE STARTER by JJ

Relationships are like fires
They start with friction, or a spark, or another flame
Some light quick, while others smolder,
waiting for the right condition to ignite

Once lit, they are all spectacularly brilliant.
A dancing flame seeking fuel to grow.

Some burn bright, like a newspaper page, then die.
Some slowly build energy and burn with lasting flame.
And some smolder for years, hot coals refusing to turn to ash.

My heart seeks fire.

LETTERS IN THE SAND

Desolation.
Dusty winds blow.
Devils and demons
Chase and follow.

I run away,
Full of dread,
Fear stops my heart.
Sit straight up in bed.

I turn to you.
I am not alone.
Nestle and nuzzle.
I know I am home.

I soothe myself,
Freeing my mind,
With the magic of us.
Two souls intertwined.

Desperate with thirst,
Drinking you in.
Drunk from the sweetness,
Our dreams begin.

You and I,
Letters in the sand.
Sailing away.
Leaving the land.

Cleanse the soul
Water and sunshine.
Washing away
The ghosts and grime.

Namaste

Guilt is a tumor
Attaching itself
Feasting on
Negativity

Burden is a beast
Heavy to carry
It smothers me
Set it free

Fears become
Transparent
Dissipating
Let them fall away

Grow in strength
Learn and build
Reinforce
With each new day

Turn the focus
From sickness
To beauty
Solace and peace

Discover balance
Steady my breath
Reach for
Ethereal grace

Gingerly moving
Forward
Step slowly
Away from the past

Journey together
Two souls
One goal
Never looking back.