Conquering Cancer With Dad - The Last Round!!

The attached picture is one of my favorites. I can remember the day my Dad told me he could no longer carry me to my bedtime because I had finally grown too big.... it was yesterday!! Haha!
I think I was probably around 5 or 6, I remember how hard it was for me to accept. I was heartsick. I chose this picture because as my Dad carried me when I was little, I have had the opportunity to return the favor, in a sense. Amazing how so many things in this life will come full circle.

I am trying to put into words how proud I am of my Dad. I am over the moon with pride and gratitude!  He has been incredibly brave and so very strong throughout his treatments. As a Daddy’s Girl, he has always been my hero, my pillar of strength. And at 81 years old his hero status continues to grow.

Our next leg of the journey will be 3 weeks of Pinpoint Radiation for most of November. Our fingers are crossed and prayers are sent that it will be even easier than the chemo. And if that’s the case, he’s really gonna ace it! We have heard some mixed experiences as much depends on the location of the radiation and severity of the regimen. Everybody responds differently.

As soon as Dad starts feeling good again, we will begin our Arizona Adventure:) It will be great to be home.

Conquering Cancer With Dad - Rocking Round 2!

My Dad got an A+ at the Dr's today! His vitals were great, his white blood cells normal and no weight loss! And he's really been feeling good this past week. 😃 The only big change was the hair loss that started happening early last week. Clumps were falling out when he combed his hair, and he would wake to find hair on his pillow and in his mouth... so not nice.  So I told him to just go have it shaved asap, and lo and behold he did! That same day! He actually had fun getting his head shaved and has embraced his new baldness, not afraid to show anyone and everyone.  I think I struggled with it more than he did, I'm still a little unnerved seeing "Bald Dad"! With or without hair, he'll always be my handsome Dad.  His noggin has a nice shape though, so he has that going for him! Haha!  I looked high and low but couldn't find him the perfect Union Jack cap, so I ordered him the furry golf visor and it's been a hit! Attitude is everything!

So now we have Round 2 over with and Dr says to expect much of the same side effects, which were minimal. One more Round in 3 weeks time and he's done with chemo! We will then make the drive to Phoenix together for his 3 weeks of pinpoint Radiation in November. Weather should be perfect by then:) 
Thank you so much to everyone for all of your prayers, support and good vibes sent our way. We are blessed beyond my comprehension with loving friends and family, thank you ALL! Whatever you're doing, it's working and we couldn't be more grateful for the help. Thank you for being there for us.

Conquering Cancer with Dad - Doing Well!

So far, so good! You'd never know that my Dad had chemo 6 days ago! There really haven't been any side effects at all for this first round, and we couldn't be more grateful!  The nurses instructed him to drink tons of water, which he has been, and I know that is key to flushing the evils out of his body. Today is the first day without Prednisone, we'll see if he experiences any ill effects from stopping it. The nurses said he might get a little more fatigue, but that should be it. We are counting our blessings that it has been easy so far.  Just 2 more rounds to go.
I haven't seen my husband Jeff in 11 days, by the time he arrives it will be 2 weeks. As he is the Yin to my Yang, it's been difficult without him. I've missed him terribly during this stressful time.  Jeff will fly the Moonster in on Tuesday and then he, Bonnie and I will return to PHX on Wednesday. We will have one day at home to play with the kitties and then we commute to OAK for 3 days of work. I will find my way back here to Dad the following weekend to prepare for his 2nd round of chemo. I figure I had better squeeze some work in while he's doing so well. Bonnie will stay in PHX as having her around is a little too much change in my Dad's routine, Benji is too lovestruck and doesn't listen like he should. I will miss having her here, but it will be better for all as there can't be any puppy kisses while the chemo drugs build and are excreted through Dad's pores. Telling one puppy no is easier than two.

Conquering Cancer With Dad - Round 1 - Ding!

Today Dad wore the new Hawaiian print Elks shirt to his first treatment appointment, it looked great and everyone loved it! Why not huh?
We arrived at the Chemo Unit (the ATU) at LAMC at 8:00 am. They put Dad in a reclining chair in a corner which was nice and cozy. They took blood immediately and his results looked good. His RN was Valencia and she dove right in telling us about the chemo cocktail. It's the most common combination called the R-CHOP and it's been proven to be well tolerated with the least amount of major side effects. That's great news, because the list of side effects that she was required to go over with us really made it sound horrific.
So far Dad feels like Superman due to the crazy high dose of Prednisone he's taking and will continue to take for 4 more days. God I hate Prednisone, the stuff makes me climb the walls and I can't sleep. We can expect the same to happen to Dad.
His next round is scheduled for the 18th, by then we can expect hair loss and a weakened immune system. I told him he'll need to emulate Howard Hughes until all of this is over. I now have a little more perspective of the people on the plane that I see wearing face masks from time to time, you never know what they might be going through.
Round 1 in the bag and so far so good.

Conquering Cancer with Dad - Off To Battle

On our way to church today, Dad and I were talking about how his first Chemo session tomorrow feels a little like going to battle. One has to be courageous and determined to win. If we get knocked down, then we get right back up again and come at the enemy from another direction. Attitude is everything! And I say a sense of humor is important too! Maybe if he starts losing his hair, we can find one of those silly visors with the fur on top. Anything to keep things lighthearted. 

I think one of the most difficult things that Dad wrestles with right now is that his health is not in his control. He has no control over the diagnosis, the Doctor's decisions or how he will feel after the treatment. Also, the periods of waiting for results or in between treatments are very frustrating. My Dad and I are similar in this personality trait, we have never had much patience. We want results and we want them now!

Conquering Cancer With Dad

On July 24th, 2017 (5 days before his 81st Birthday), my Dad had a mass removed from his chest. Picture something the size and shape of half of a golf ball, rounded side into his chest. It wasn't causing him much discomfort, but it itched from time to time and it wasn't very pretty.
His Dr wanted it removed and tested. The test came back positive for B Cell Large Diffused Lymphoma, Non Hodgkins Lymphoma from what I researched. He underwent a few more tests throughout the week and his blood test results came back looking good. The PET Scan results showed the Lymphoma in 2 places, which now makes it Stage 2 Limited Lymphoma. There was still a little bit on his chest that was missed (Damnit!) and some in another lymph node in his arm pit.

Before my Dad's test results he felt fine. He had good energy, a great appetite and no trouble sleeping. Since then, the impact and stress of the diagnosis has played games with his mind. He's anticipating signs and symptoms of Lymphoma: night sweats, chills, dizziness, loss of appetite and weight loss.  How cruel this thing is! I'm admittedly a Daddy's Girl, my Dad has always been my Champion. And now I am his Cheerleader and his voice of reason. I say, "We got this! If we can't succeed the first time, we regroup and figure out another way." "You aren't alone, we're in this together." "Stay Strong Dad!" and "Talk to God."

His treatment will be 3 rounds of aggressive chemotherapy every 2.5 to 3 weeks followed by 3 weeks of radiation. His first chemo appointment is on Monday the 28th in Los Alamos. I have packed the car and will drive out there tomorrow morning, Bonnie in tow. I don't know how long I will be there, but I will stay as long as he needs me. With giving trips away and FMLA, I hope to get all of the time off from work that I need. Jeff will work as much as he can and my wonderful in-laws will help take care of the cats and the house. Hopefully Jeff will be able to fly out for a few days visit every so often. I'm already missing him, it's going to be even more challenging without the comfort of his embrace every time I feel scared. I don't think anyone can prepare to see a loved one get sick and suffer. My heart hurts with the thought of it. It's so horrible that the treatment makes us sicker than the Cancer does. I want to be strong enough for us both, I will need to carry us through this and stay positive.

Losing Mom - April 1, 2014

I can still feel her skin on my fingertips. I can feel the texture of her hair as I swept it across her forehead. I can smell her, her natural scent not too different from my own. I used my coconut Chapstick on her lips as they were chapped from the tape they used to attach the tubes. I remember her eyes being so swollen and gelatinous, just barely opened. Could she see me? Could she hear me? I held her hand, warmed it in my own, I massaged her puffy fingers, trying to make the swelling subside. Her nails were just painted last week, gold crackle on top of black. She always wanted her nails to look nice. Her skin had few wrinkles, it was smoother than it had ever been. She had bought and tried so many beauty products, desperate to turn back time. Seems like a tragedy now, so much time and money spent on trivial creams. I watched her, never taking my eyes off of her as she struggled for air. Precious air, oh how we take that for granted. I studied her, memorizing her, tattooing her into my mind. I whispered I love you, I love you! I love you so much. And I softly sang to her... slowly... 'Don't worry about a thing, cuz every little thing is gonna be alright.' I begged her to relax and let go, I promised her I would be fine, Dad will be fine, it's ok Momma, don't be afraid. She would groan and strain, struggling. I hated it, please don't fight, please don't suffer. Why can't they help her? How can they just let her go like this? More morphine! More Ativan! I'm here Mom, I'm not going anywhere. Singing to her 'You are my Sunshine' while wrapped in the arms of the man I love. Look Mom, see how he loves me! You can go now, be at peace. Shed one more tear and rest easy. (I am not ok. Not by a long shot. I am angry. I am sad. I am relieved. I feel guilt. I have remorse. I am terrified. I want to keep my Mother.)

FIRE STARTER by JJ

Relationships are like fires
They start with friction, or a spark, or another flame
Some light quick, while others smolder,
waiting for the right condition to ignite

Once lit, they are all spectacularly brilliant.
A dancing flame seeking fuel to grow.

Some burn bright, like a newspaper page, then die.
Some slowly build energy and burn with lasting flame.
And some smolder for years, hot coals refusing to turn to ash.

My heart seeks fire.

LETTERS IN THE SAND

Desolation.
Dusty winds blow.
Devils and demons
Chase and follow.

I run away,
Full of dread,
Fear stops my heart.
Sit straight up in bed.

I turn to you.
I am not alone.
Nestle and nuzzle.
I know I am home.

I soothe myself,
Freeing my mind,
With the magic of us.
Two souls intertwined.

Desperate with thirst,
Drinking you in.
Drunk from the sweetness,
Our dreams begin.

You and I,
Letters in the sand.
Sailing away.
Leaving the land.

Cleanse the soul
Water and sunshine.
Washing away
The ghosts and grime.

Namaste

Guilt is a tumor
Attaching itself
Feasting on
Negativity

Burden is a beast
Heavy to carry
It smothers me
Set it free

Fears become
Transparent
Dissipating
Let them fall away

Grow in strength
Learn and build
Reinforce
With each new day

Turn the focus
From sickness
To beauty
Solace and peace

Discover balance
Steady my breath
Reach for
Ethereal grace

Gingerly moving
Forward
Step slowly
Away from the past

Journey together
Two souls
One goal
Never looking back.

In Transit

From desert to swamp,
Baby blue skies cradle me.
Thoughts of you fill my horizons.
Ice crystals decorate the window.
I fly to you.
Takeoff and touchdown,
Do it again,
I seek you.
Absence makes my heart ache,
I crave you.
No distance is too great,
I run to you.
Rivers and roads that snake and turn,
They all lead to you.
Over mountains and lakes,
No height or depth
Can keep me from you.
In moments,
I will be with you.

Missing You

Yearning,
Craving,
Needing you.

I am yours,
Willing to please.
Coy looks that beckon.
Devilish grins that tease.

Wisk me away
To our destination.
Show me love,
Lust and adoration.

Your touch is all I need.
Tangled and intertwined,
Wrapped up in bliss.
My desire is yours to feed.

Yearning,
Craving,
Needing you.
My Love,
I am missing you.

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.
-Bruce Lee


"The doubters said,
"Man cannot fly,"
The doers said,
"Maybe, but we'll try,"
And finally soared
In the morning glow
While non-believers
Watched from below."
— Bruce Lee

The Phoenix

I couldn't breathe,
I wasn't able to feel.
Uncomfortable in my own skin,
I had to leave.
I had to make a change.

Fueled by frustration and fear,
I set the house afire.
I doused my security blanket with gasoline
And tossed the match over my shoulder as I walked away.

Entering my new life,
You stood in the doorway.
I was afraid,
But there was something in your eyes,
Something in the song you sang.
You had my attention.

Coughing,
Choking from the smoke.
I left the memories unpacked
And fell into you.

Slipping, hold onto me.
Falling, elevate me,
Tripping, dust me off.
The house is ablaze.

Uncertain, unprepared.
I stumble and wobble,
Learning to walk again.
You hold my hand.

We look back to the ashes,
The embers still burn.
My knees are weak but your arms surround me.
I can close my eyes and breathe again.

Together we heal,
Tomorrow we rebuild,
Today we love.
I will rise from the flames.

Circus

I am the acrobat,
Strung up on the lines,
Directed to spin and flip.

The crowd applauds,
But I want to come down.
These actions are making me sick.

I can't see anything
Beyond the lights,
When will this act be through?

Free me from these wire constraints,
I want to be me.
And I want to be with you.

I am Woman. I am She.

In my head at times
I am a little girl.
Small and intimidated
By the world.
In my heart
I am the Tigress.
Fierce and brave,
Ready to fight.

I was trapped before
By my fear of failure,
Afraid to give it a try.
Today finds me
Steady and strong,
Telling the world
To bring it on.

Rough and tough,
But soft and vulnerable.
I know I will get by.
Regardless of what
Life and love bring,
I know I can survive.

Together

If I am Yin and you are Yang,
Then the Sun and Moon we will be.
Your cooling spirit soothes my heat,
Together we have peace.

Before we met I was a fish out of water,
Gasping for air on the shore.
You saw my need and gave me life.
Water bearer, I am yours.

Father Time

There's a Grandfather clock
Chained to my ankle.

Dragging it across the carpet,
I will the healing to begin.

Wishing time away,
I shove the minute hand around the face.

Every second a milestone.
Each chime a celebration.

Oh, Father time!
Won't you take this pain away?

WE OF WATER

When together,
We are a rushing river,
Flowing and frothing,
Splashing.
Vigorous,
Dangerous in our passions.
Apart,
We become
Two streams.
Slow,
Crawling,
Muddy and quiet.
Melancholy.
Sad.
And when we meet again,
The joy and torrent of us
Is rapid,
Quick,
Musical and loud.
An orchestra of
Energy and emotions.

My love for you flows.

Consequence and Fear

Hiding under the bed,
Ducking behind the seat.
Covering my head.
Afraid to see.

Wake me when it's over.
I don't feel okay.
This can't hurt more
Than it does today.

Pictures of yesterdays
Fall from the walls,
Shattering glass.
Memories lost.

Our world falls apart,
It's killing me too.
We've come so far,
I will always love you.