In Transit

From desert to swamp,
Baby blue skies cradle me.
Thoughts of you fill my horizons.
Ice crystals decorate the window.
I fly to you.
Takeoff and touchdown,
Do it again,
I seek you.
Absence makes my heart ache,
I crave you.
No distance is too great,
I run to you.
Rivers and roads that snake and turn,
They all lead to you.
Over mountains and lakes,
No height or depth
Can keep me from you.
In moments,
I will be with you.

Missing You

Yearning,
Craving,
Needing you.

I am yours,
Willing to please.
Coy looks that beckon.
Devilish grins that tease.

Wisk me away
To our destination.
Show me love,
Lust and adoration.

Your touch is all I need.
Tangled and intertwined,
Wrapped up in bliss.
My desire is yours to feed.

Yearning,
Craving,
Needing you.
My Love,
I am missing you.

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.
-Bruce Lee


"The doubters said,
"Man cannot fly,"
The doers said,
"Maybe, but we'll try,"
And finally soared
In the morning glow
While non-believers
Watched from below."
— Bruce Lee

The Phoenix

I couldn't breathe,
I wasn't able to feel.
Uncomfortable in my own skin,
I had to leave.
I had to make a change.

Fueled by frustration and fear,
I set the house afire.
I doused my security blanket with gasoline
And tossed the match over my shoulder as I walked away.

Entering my new life,
You stood in the doorway.
I was afraid,
But there was something in your eyes,
Something in the song you sang.
You had my attention.

Coughing,
Choking from the smoke.
I left the memories unpacked
And fell into you.

Slipping, hold onto me.
Falling, elevate me,
Tripping, dust me off.
The house is ablaze.

Uncertain, unprepared.
I stumble and wobble,
Learning to walk again.
You hold my hand.

We look back to the ashes,
The embers still burn.
My knees are weak but your arms surround me.
I can close my eyes and breathe again.

Together we heal,
Tomorrow we rebuild,
Today we love.
I will rise from the flames.

Circus

I am the acrobat,
Strung up on the lines,
Directed to spin and flip.

The crowd applauds,
But I want to come down.
These actions are making me sick.

I can't see anything
Beyond the lights,
When will this act be through?

Free me from these wire constraints,
I want to be me.
And I want to be with you.

I am Woman. I am She.

In my head at times
I am a little girl.
Small and intimidated
By the world.
In my heart
I am the Tigress.
Fierce and brave,
Ready to fight.

I was trapped before
By my fear of failure,
Afraid to give it a try.
Today finds me
Steady and strong,
Telling the world
To bring it on.

Rough and tough,
But soft and vulnerable.
I know I will get by.
Regardless of what
Life and love bring,
I know I can survive.

Together

If I am Yin and you are Yang,
Then the Sun and Moon we will be.
Your cooling spirit soothes my heat,
Together we have peace.

Before we met I was a fish out of water,
Gasping for air on the shore.
You saw my need and gave me life.
Water bearer, I am yours.

Father Time

There's a Grandfather clock
Chained to my ankle.

Dragging it across the carpet,
I will the healing to begin.

Wishing time away,
I shove the minute hand around the face.

Every second a milestone.
Each chime a celebration.

Oh, Father time!
Won't you take this pain away?

WE OF WATER

When together,
We are a rushing river,
Flowing and frothing,
Splashing.
Vigorous,
Dangerous in our passions.
Apart,
We become
Two streams.
Slow,
Crawling,
Muddy and quiet.
Melancholy.
Sad.
And when we meet again,
The joy and torrent of us
Is rapid,
Quick,
Musical and loud.
An orchestra of
Energy and emotions.

My love for you flows.

Consequence and Fear

Hiding under the bed,
Ducking behind the seat.
Covering my head.
Afraid to see.

Wake me when it's over.
I don't feel okay.
This can't hurt more
Than it does today.

Pictures of yesterdays
Fall from the walls,
Shattering glass.
Memories lost.

Our world falls apart,
It's killing me too.
We've come so far,
I will always love you.

Handle with Care

My heart it hides,
Tucked away.
It beats in the dark,
No light of day.

Weak and worn,
It cowers in fear.
Lashing out, snarling
At those who come near.

Secure for awhile,
Till you came along,
Coaxing it forth,
Patient and strong.

Yearning to trust,
Full of fear,
It begs for your touch,
Wanting you near.

My heart sees you,
It knows Love.
Just be gentle,
Wear kid gloves.

LOVE

Do not stress about love or the potential for love. It cannot be forced, it should not be worried. Invited or not, it beats down your door with a battering ram, impossibly large and intimidating, runs in and places a kiss on your nose before slicing your throat. We can build walls and battlements, but somehow it gets in. I have yearned for the invasion, the excitement, yet have been crippled by fear for too long. I open the door now and say here I am, come in you bastard (love).

NOT ALONE

Close your eyes,
Let yourself fall.
Please know,
I will catch you.
Everything at stake,
So much to lose.
Falling apart,
I break with you.
Look at me,
And breathe.
Feel me there
Beside you.
We can do this,
Not far to go.
I go with you.

Flight

Facing the sun,
Closing my eyes,
Feeling the warmth.
Deep down inside,
I know I'll survive.
Walking in the clouds with you,
Nothing can bring me down.

SEEKING

Tousled and tangled,
Lost in the darkness.
Thrills and fears
Between musky sheets.
Reaching out blindly,
Insatiable hunger.

Burning skin.
Mindless kiss.
Gentle caress.
Touch is bliss.

Gasping and panting,
Struggle to breathe.
Hearts that race,
Pound and break.
Touches so sweet,
You are all that I need.

Soap and Scum

Crawling and clawing
Through the disgust.
Frantically searching for
The virtue I lost.

Naked and dirty,
Trying to stand.
Slipping and sliding,
Falling again.

Rinse me off
And wash me clean.
Scour my soul,
Scrub till it bleeds.

Grant me the strength,
To thrive on my own.
Help me believe,
I can make it alone.

MY PRISON

The door is locked,
I flung away the key.
Huddled in the corner,
Behind uncertainty.

Trembling and sick,
Paralyzed with fear.
Loathe of harming
What I hold dear.

Do you seek me?
I can't let you in.
Not now,
Not till I'm me again.

I cry your name,
Calling you near.
You may knock
But I won't hear.

Cowering lower,
Hiding in the dark.
Terrified of intentions,
Afraid of the spark.

Checkmate

Temptation,
The game,
I am the pawn.

Strategy,
Your moves,
So easily drawn.

You're ignorant,
Careless.
We will fall down.

Loves lost,
Hearts broken,
All for the crown.

Again and Again

You want in,
Under my skin.
You're sick with envy
Of my sin.

Erase my name,
So you forget.
But how many times
Do you leave and regret?

Torture is addictive,
You like the pain.
Your mind is weak,
Easily slain.

Play with fire,
And you get burned,
These lessons
Should be easily learned.

Keep coming around,
I like this game.
Driving you mad,
I can't be tamed.

What you do
Makes no sense,
You're a glutton for
The consequence.

Cake

Drink of my sickness,
Swallow it down.
Taste the
Bitter sweet.

Wrap me up,
Take me home,
Sweep me
Off my feet.

Have this cake
And eat it too,
Take a bite and
Feel the thrill.

My insanity,
A delicacy.
Come in and have
Your fill.

Manual Labor

Tired and weary,
My feet are heavy,
I can't keep up the pace.

My energy,
Once abundant,
Now wanes.
I am drained.

The effort required
No longer appeals,
One can struggle
For just so long.

Sweep the bad
Under the rug,
There isn't anything wrong.

The pile increases.
Get the shovel,
Can't have it
Blocking the TV.

Rose colored lenses,
Looking at me.
You see only what
You want to see.

DESTINATION UNKNOWN

Sitting,
On the edge of my life.
My legs and feet hanging,
Shoelaces untied,
Dangling.

Below me a chasm,
The bottom unknown.
Behind me,
Vast and blurry.
Each direction,
Seemingly infinite.

I am on the precipice,
Walking the edge.
Arms extended for balance.
Teetering this way,
Wobbling that way.

If I fall in,
I may not stop.
If I turn and run,
I may grow tired.

Thinking.
Dreaming.
Kicking my feet,
Flailing my shoelaces.
Waiting.
Sitting.

The Fix

Itching.
Scratching,
Picking.
Tearing off little shreds
Of my dignity.

Curled up in a ball,
Clutching my heart.
In limbo.
Aching.
Afraid.

Fearing the what ifs,
Hanging out on every corner.
Those intimidating,
Brass knuckled what ifs.
Waiting to beat me down again.

Spinning,
Turning,
Round and round.
Pacing,
Back and forth,
Wearing holes in my mind.

Desperately seeking answers,
Like an addict to the slums,
I get nothing but misery,
But keep coming back for more.

Weak,
Scared,
Undecided.

Can't you see me?
I'm on my knees again.
Fucked up in my head again.

Hurting you,
Hurting me.

My questions,
Still unanswered.
No fix,
No relief.

The Dark Side.... Come to The Dark Side!

So, I've been trying to write more upbeat and positive entries, hence the last entry Springtime.... which in my opinion was just Blah. I think it sucked. Not my best by any stretch. So I must apologize, it was a weak and feeble attempt that just felt forced and unnatural. Here's my explanation:

The other day, someone online asked me if I was a "Happy Person". Now, being myself, I immediately get insecure and think, I must seem unhappy! Why would they think I am unhappy? Am I unhappy? What have I done, how did I give that impression? And then I think, ahh..... my Blog! That's it! My writings, my sometimes verbal vomitings, my emotional spewage! My poor, miserable, angst ridden, dark and tortured soul that is my muse. That must be it! Well, now that makes a bit more sense. Whew!

You see, I find my best writing and inspiration comes from a place, deep, dark and ugly. It's deliciously depressing and miserable. It's the place I find myself on occasion for one reason or another, either because of something I have brought upon myself or just because it's my current mood.

Am I moody? I can be, I don't think I am overly moody, I really consider myself fairly levelheaded. I can be a bit of a drama queen at times, but I am a happy person. I love to laugh, I love my friends, I love to travel, I enjoy the hell out of life. I worship a sunny day, birds chirping, grass growing, the wind blowing, the moon glowing! I love all of these things. I find something to fall in love with in almost every person I meet. There are very few people I don't like. I really see good in most people, places, situations etc.

Now, am I truly happy? Hmm.... I think the better question is, am I satisfied? Am I content? Do I have serenity? And to those questions the answer would be no. Most definitely not. But wait! Sometimes, I am perfectly happy with my lack of satisfaction. Some days I like it in my pile of shit where it's warm, safe and familiar. I take mental health days and isolate every so often, marinating in my misery until I can't stand myself or until I am inspired to write about it. Writing helps organize my thoughts and insanities, it's kind of like reorganizing a room.

So for anyone who reads this blog, I apologize if the writing is monotonous, self absorbed, narcissistic or depressing. Those are my uglies and they happen to be my inspiration. I am a happy person, but I have my dark side as well. I thank you so much for reading!

Springtime

Ah, Spring!
The rebirth of everything.

Birds chirp and dance,
Flowers bud and bloom.

Citrus is on the wind,
It permeates the room.

Invite the breezes,
Renew stale spaces.

Bask in the sun,
Absorb nature's graces.

CHASE OR BE CHASED

Chasing happiness
Running blind
Oblivious to my footprints
The marks left behind

Losing my way
Laughter of trees
Tripping
Slipping

Scraping my knees

A hole in the ground
Falling
Plummeting down
A hard bottom
I look around

Darkness
Dampness
I'm down here!
Can anyone hear me?
Is someone there?

My breathing
My heartbeat
The rush in my ears

The ghosts
My demons
They draw ever near

They taunt me
They haunt me
I'm alone with my fear

Then and Now.

Reunited.
The memories come rushing back.
Sitting, reminiscing in the rain.
Wet footprints and broken flowerpots,
Music to compliment the half moon.
Laughter.

I remember the time.
He was a gift to us all,
Your recollections keep him alive.
He loved you as you did him.

So many changes,
After all these years.
You're grown up now.
My young friend,
My sidekick.
Not forgotten.

Lost and Found

Searching frantically.
Frustrated, defeated.
Where is it?
I thought I just saw it.

Lifting this, moving that.
Going in circles,
Looking in places
I already looked.

Insanity, fear.
What if I never find it?
What will I do?
It has to be here.

Others have it,
Why can't I?
I'll be okay,
Once it's mine.

Balance, identity.
Security, esteem.
I have to find
My self again.

Rainy Day

Dark days
And I search
The clouds
For a patch
Of light.

The air is
Oppressive,
I can't breathe.
Willing the feeling
To pass.

Too fearful
To venture out.
Listless.
Emotional.
Wishing the
Storms away.

Yearning to
Bathe
In the sunshine
Once again.

Answered Prayers

You were my partner, my teammate.
Ours was the perfect match. Loving you was so easy.
Life was good for a while, but things change.
One moment bliss, the next despair.
Disease consumed you, ripped you from my arms.
Before long, I became the tin can tied to your bumper,
You pegged the needle down the freeway,
Driving recklessly, blindly at breakneck speeds.
I prepared to follow you anywhere,
Weather any storm, no matter how threatening.
You knew not how you hurt me, building me up and
Breaking me down. Over and over again.
Glimmers of hope extinguished by broken promises.
I was afraid and distraught, I tried everything and could not save you.
I slowly died inside while I watched you hurt yourself.
I was helpless. I was terrified. I was angry.
When I thought I had reached my breaking point,
You found the way back to you, back to me.
My tearful prayers had been heard.
I thought I loved the man you were, I couldn't imagine loving you more,
But alas, my love for you knows no bounds.
From murky darkness you have risen.
Today you are more than I ever dreamed you could be.
You are my smile and my laughter, you are my happy day.

Dreams of reality

Dreams of yesterdays still leave me breathless.
I wake and wonder if you were really there,
Your presence all too real.

Taking you in with my gaze,
Still spins me.
Left dizzy in reflection,
I have to separate dream from reality.

Oh the colors that dance in your eyes,
I used to waltz there all day.
I saw them again today,
As if for the first time.

You still affect me,
Leave me wanting more.
Memories of you are bittersweet,
I see them for what they are.